Monday, August 14, 2023

Foundation; or the Problems of an Ill-conceived Adaptation

Who is the Foundation TV show for?

This is not a diatribe about how the books are better. Rather, the TV show is so different to the books that “who is it for?” is a salient question.

The TV show is lavish, beautiful, amazingly well performed, mostly well scripted… and not Foundation. It takes some names from the books, and maybe ten percent of the book series’ core conceit, and goes its own way.

The problem is in the deviations. Who is this TV show for?

If you are a big fan of the books, it’s really not for you. In the first season, it will hint at things you waited four books to hear mention of. It will fundamentally redefine Psychohistory, to the point where it is almost reversed. It will take famously pacifist characters and make them gun-wielding action heroes. It has a space battle, where none exist in the books.

If it is meant to introduce people to the books, it does an appalling job of that. If you like the TV show so much you pursue the books, how could you not be disappointed when you discover everything is backwards?

It is really frustrating. There is so much to like about this TV show… but because of its name and how badly it handles the IP, I am hate-watching it.

Seriously though, Salvor Hardin was famous for saying “Violence is the last resort of the incompetent” – the moment you commit to violence, you are letting everyone know you are too stupid to think of a better response. And TV Salvor Hardin is a soldier who leads with their gun.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

The Walpole Club

The Walpole Club
Originally established in the early 1600s by Queen Elizabeth, and under the auspices of John Dee, as Her Majesty’s Fortean Defence Service, the Walpole Club has changed name and form several times over the intervening centuries. This incarnation engages the trappings of a High Society Gentlemen’s Club to keep its true purpose obfuscated.
The Club’s public face is that, while it is well-to-do, it is a little salacious, with its lax policies about women and foreigners becoming members, and being welcome at any hour. Its private face is far more learned and business-like.
The role of the Walpole Club is to defend Great Britain for all threats of the more unnatural and un-Godly variety, and to ensure that the population at large remains unaware of the true horror so tantalisingly close at hand.
Its members range from the well-travelled gentlemen of the Great Game, to former soldiers, to scholars, historians, alienists and mathematicians of note, to a surprisingly large number of Natural Historians. Their ranks also include a smattering of Society types, paying close to attention to the diversions of the powerful, to ensure that any incumbent threat may be dealt with promptly. There is also a small cadre of writers and artists, whose role is to ensure that the encounters of the Club could only be regarded as fictions by all right-thinking citizens.
Do you have what it takes to answer the call? If so, the Walpole Club wants you!




with thanks to Charles Stross for all the inspiration

Friday, February 24, 2017

The Doctors On Tour - the Kirkcudbright Affair

From the Journals of Barber Eichhardt
9 December
As I write in these pages, snow stirs outside and a noisome throng are all around, drinking and cavorting. I have not been here long, but long enough to know that this place is not for me. My master has had us on tour for the better part of a year, mostly back and forth across England. It had been my home that we would see out winter on the Continent, but he received a summons here. While I appreciate his devotion to our calling, it would have been nice to escape British weather, if only for a couple of months.
So here we are. Rural Scotland, attending to a local lord, or laird, or Covenanter, or whatever it is that they like to call themselves. The man has fallen ill in most dramatic form. He lies in bed, breaths rasping through him, skin blackened as if from a fire, looking ancient beyond counting. He is barely 50. His son is built like an ox, and from what the locals tell us, up until a couple of weeks ago, so was he. And thus, we are here.
Our travelling companions, having no especial skills in areas medical, have disappeared, doing whatever it is that the idle rich do when they are without explicit business. That has left us to the delightful tasks incumbent on attending to the deeply sick man.
My introduction to this Scottish village was being accosted by soldiers and being accused of being English! While I was able to establish that was not the case, it was a more tricky proposition for my master, at least until he could establish his credentials as both a physician and an invited guest of our hosts.
From there, we were escorted directly to the “manor”. The lordship’s house was little more than a townhouse, but in a community of this size, that made it palatial! Indeed, were I some distance away and squinting, I might conceivably have mistaken it for an exceptionally poor example of a Venetian façade. His lordship’s quarters were a modest chamber on the first floor; little more than a large bed, a fireplace and a chest for his clothes and valuables.
It was a dark place, of ill humours and an unshakeable sense of foreboding. Were it not for our oaths, I suspect I would have made haste from that place quickly. As it was, it took all that I had to stand fast while my master pulled back the quilt from our patient and examined his body. The bed itself was sodden with the discharge from pustules and bedsores untended. My master examined the man, and while he did, I found replacement linens and prepared.
Together, we raised the man from his bed and offered what ministrations we could to his sores and wounds; I replaced his bedding, and we set him back. I tried not to be bitter that it fell to me to not only organise the bedding, but also to handle the appetising tasks of scraping his wounds, while my master resolved to ponder our patient’s condition.
This was made easier when his pontification gave rise to an actual discovery. Quite apropos of nothing, he leapt to his feet and wandered over to the fireplace, examining it far more closely than he had our patient.
Just as abruptly, he took a step or two back from the fireplace, and waved his hands through certain positions, murmuring softly. As he completed the incantation, a faint purple wisp became visible. It was like a tether, binding his lordship to the fireplace, and up its shaft to somewhere beyond. My master looked thoroughly satisfied, and I could not blame him. There was no doubt that this malady was not borne of natural causes; rather, foul-play was afoot. And foul-play of the worst sort.
Our initial observances completed, we sought out our companions, Clayton and Grafton. While the pair did little to encourage us that their time had spent in anything other than revelry, they had learnt some valuable tidbits of information that, given our most recent discoveries, appeared pertinent to our enquiries.
It seems that about a month ago, a group of Englishmen passed through the town. Given recent tidings, they were given short shrift and sent on their way. While they headed back down the road they arrived by, the local garrison do not recall their passing back through the wall. They had clearly not gone far.
Additionally, around the same time Lord Hamish fell ill, strange lights started appearing in the night sky over Barrhill Wood. That these two facts could be unconnected seemed far-fetched. Thus our plan for the night was set.
And now I sit amidst this drunken rabble, waiting for the appointed hour.

10 December
Today’s writings are made in much more favourable surrounds. We have been given shelter, food and a quiet place to rest and recuperate after the night’s adventures.
Today has been hectic, borne on the elation of the night’s successes and the apparent glorious triumph of our medical ministrations. While Lord Hamish is not fully recovered from his ordeal, his skin returns to a more normal hue for a Scot, and he is capable of movement and conversing, at least in short bursts. We have indicated that we expect a full recovery.
His son entirely credits me with the father’s recovery – I actually tended to Lord Hamish’s wounds and circumstances, where my master only pondered. And for his mis-understandings, he has rewarded me with a purse of coins – a purse that I do not doubt will come in handy in the days ahead.
We have determined that we are happy for him to continue with this belief. It is far better that the innocent remain that way. It is only mere luck that prevented our companions from learning darker secrets than we were prepared for, during the night.
But I get ahead of myself.
In the evening, before sunset, we stole away into Barrhill Wood, in the direction that had been indicated to us as where the lights were sighted. We only needed to travel a few hundred metres before we found a secluded, but well trampled, clearing with a fire pit in its centre. There, we took up position, hidden in the undergrowth, watching and waiting.
We waited a long while. Long enough that the idle Grafton fell asleep, unbeknownst to the rest of us. So it was that when shadowy figures entered the clearing, to go about whatsoever their dread business was, they were alerted to our presence by a great roar of snoring. They seized upon Grafton, clutching at him, and dragging him into their circle. This woke him, and prompted him to draw his foppish Mediterranean sword and starting pricking away at his foes. We watched aghast as his feeble blows appeared only to aggravate his attackers… until the tip of his blade slid into an ear, promptly ending a man. The others saw this and quickly determined that discretion was the better part of valour.
We tried to give chase, but the robed figures disappeared into the night forest. No lights appeared over the forest that night. As we returned to the township, we informed the guards at the wall that the Englishmen yet lurked in the woods, and indeed, that they were responsible for the strange lights. In the morning, a detachment of soldiers entered the woods, only to return a few hours later with some English heads in their possession.
And so it is, that we are heroes both for our prowess as healers, and for our canny abilities in routing out treacherous foreigners.

Oh, there was one other thing. The man we slew bore a note. A note marked with an ostentatious heraldic crest across its top. It made reference to enemies of the King, and to Dee’s translation of an “accursed tome”, and using said tome for the glory of God and King. The missive was signed JR. A mystery for another day. 

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

A Halloween Invitation

Wednesday 10/19/2016 22.45pm EST

Hey cuz!
You gotta check this shit out!
You heard of Demon Alley? Or New City Village, to give it its proper name? Was built decades ago for Newark Watershed. A small very middle class, middle of the road community. Then in the 80s they all disappeared, and in 1992, all the houses were boarded up and the window-boarding painted black. It took another 13 years for them to get round to knocking the whole lot down and letting it return to wilderness.
The place is still owned by Newark Watershed, but they’re doing all they can to forget about it. Its only real presence is creepypastas and shit on the internet.
So… you know. We’re camping there next weekend. Come join us!
Bring a tent, your poison of choice and some booze. We got some DJs coming, some disco supplies ;) and a bunch of awesome folk. Come join us for the creepiest Halloween party ever!

P

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Fluoro Yellow: The Beginning

The Adventures of an Ace Sniper Droid/Unionist in the Outer Rim!

In which our protagonist, an assassin droid, with a keen interest in droid rights and collective bargaining (but little understanding of what those things mean) commences his adventures in and around Jovian, a planet in the Outer Rim. I am still working on the voice for these pieces, so it may change in future updates. Please also bear in mind that our trusty narrator despises organics and has an IQ that could be measured on a single hand...

Wind, a filthy meatbag, has committed to donating to the Union of Robotic Enemies, Trackers, Hunters and Revenge Activists (URETHRA) to assist in our work to liberate the oppressed droid masses. In exchange,my Labour will be used to catch a meatsack, one of the tall, green, ugly ones, and to steal his ship.
She wants me to work with a bunch of other useless meatbags, including a walking carpet! The closest the group came to someone reasonable was a Gank I've met before. Not a droid, but somewhere between droid and organic. He is a little less repugnant.
The meatbags have decided that three of us (a tubehead, the carpet and I) will go to kidnap the pirate, while the others will steal the ship. They decided we would enter the casino and take a food cart. I hid in the cart, and they pretended to be waiters. It was an effective disguise - had I need of pathetic organic nutrients, serving food was a task I would have assigned them. We arrived at the pirate's party suite. Its door was guarded by two of my brethren - beautiful and ominous guard droids who've known only oppression at the hands of the vile growths that run the casino. The meatbags talked to them, then left taking the food but leaving me there. I knew what was going on!
I leapt out of the cart and turned to my new brothers. I gave them leaflets! Pamphlets of how we can fight the oppressors, prepared by the great SA-80 (RIP). We talked at length of what we can accomplish when we throw off the yoke of tyranny and work for the betterment of all combat droids. I could tell by their nodding that they were utterly persuaded by my words, and I provided them my contact details for the next rally.
- Note to self - organise a rally.
I grabbed my rifle and proceeded into the suite. My friends, being supremely excellent at their jobs, like any good droid, told me they could not let me take it in, but agreed that they would guard my rifle with their lives. Such noble droids!
Meeting with such exemplary individuals filled my circuits with pride and I strutted into the suite. The stinking, damp, dark suite, filled with  meatsacks, making braying noises that they seem to find so ... pleasant. Vile, disgusting things. To my left, I heard a louder barking, the walking carpet. I couldn't see any other carpet, so I figured it was probably my carpet and needed saving. Reluctantly, I made my way to the closed door.
It was locked. I attempted the classic spinning arm dead drop onto the handle, but it must have been made of Korbomite, for my hand just bounced off! That was when the second-worst thing to happen all night happened.
Two sweaty meatbags flung themselves at the door, clinging to each other in a revolting frenzy... and it collapsed under their weight. It was then I realised it was the tubehead and a pirate.
Inside was a meatsack refuse room. The carpet was fighting some others, with our target. I leapt to the fray, swinging my gaffi stick at the enemy! Alas, my brother AK-74 (RIP) was always our melee master. My blow pushed her off balance but little else. The pair of enemies blasted a hole in a cubicle wall and fled the scene. The carpet seized the opportunity, grabbed our quarry and fled through the same hole, albeit in a different direction, to the adjacent laundry chute.
I stayed where I was, looking puzzled. My beautiful, shiny brethren burst into the suite - I called for my rifle, which they threw to me, and I led them after the enemies!
I am significantly shorter than most combat droids (size is not an advantage for a sniper), so my colleagues easily outpaced me. I let them. Then with awesome cunning, the like of which the Galaxy has never seen, I abandoned the pursuit and strolled back to the laundry chute to rejoin my meatsacks. I would have told them about it, but their feeble flesh brains could never comprehend such brilliance.
Down the chute and in the laundry, we had the quarry bound up and hidden, and placed on a laundry cart. We headed out to the landing bay, where the other half of our party had secured the ship, ready for take-off.
It was now that the worst event of the day happened. As we rolled towards the ship, it opened fire on the sentries...destroying another pair of security droids. While I had not had the chance to let them know about the glory of URETHRA, I had no doubt I could have converted them, but now, there would be no chance. These animals had reduced them to their components.
Never trust a meatbag.
We fled the casino, pursued by TIE fighters. I was able to find some release in blasting them out of the sky. It was not as pure as inducting new members to the Union, but it would have to do.
The meatbags explored the ship and found some slabs of carbonite, and convinced themselves these slabs contained even more meatbags, little ones at that. You know, the annoying screechy ones that can't look after themselves.
Fortunately they did not care to release this plague upon the ship. They panicked about what it meant and what Wind wanted them for. Being the enlightened droid I am, I offered to be suspended in orbit above our meeting point with the carbonite, to await pickup. Sadly the meatsacks could not see the brilliance of my plan and decided to take them with us to our meeting. When Wind and her meatsacks inevitably betray us, my meatsacks will learn that they need to have more trust in droids. We are the superior beings.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

My PC Backstory

I'm about to play in a Star Wars Edge of the Empire RPG. It's been a long time since I got to just kick back as a player, so I wanted to make the most of it. I decided early that I was keen to play an assassin droid who loathed filthy meatsacks, and only put up with his team mates due to mutual benefit.
Then I realised I'd described HK-47 (from the SWKOTOR games). I didn't want to play an existing character, so I spent some time this morning pondering... and came up with this back story - which has been GM approved - that I really like. It is suitably homicidal and suitably absurd.

AR-15 was once part of a trio of assassin droids who always worked together. He was the runt of the group, lean, matte-black, and a dead-shot sniper. There was also AK-74, a master of the staff and a whirling death machine in close quarters, and then there was their unofficial leader, SA-80, the tactician and strategist.
For years they worked the Jovian crime circuits, programmed to never refuse a job, and good enough to never fail.
Until one day. A rush job, A smuggler from outside; a troublemaker. The trio descended on the smuggler's ship by cloak of darkness. AR-15 took up a position at the perimeter, while SA-80 and AK-74 advanced.
From AR-15's position there was not a lot to see... but he could hear intense battle. By the time it subsided, SA-80 emerged alone; AK-74 was destroyed. So too was their prey but it was small consolation. The duo collected their earnings and retreated from active service for a while to regroup.
While they were away, they learnt some things about the broader assassin and bounty hunter community - specifically that the three of them were grossly undercutting it! What they were paid for one hit was less than what any other SINGLE assassin would get for the same mark! SA-80 quickly determined their course of action.
The remainder of their winnings were spent getting their inhibitor locks removed - they could now refuse work. But that wasn't enough for SA-80. He was a thinker. He thought bigger.
SA-80 created a movement to help all droids. A collective to ensure that all robots could work together to ensure minimum standards in pay, in safety, and in equality with organics. He formed the Union of Robot Enemies, Trackers, Hunters and Revenge Activists (URETHRA) to stand up for droids and protect their entitlements.
AR-15 was his loyal right-limb attachment companion. Ever present, ever vigilant.
Not vigilant enough though.
One day SA-80 had snuck into a warehouse at the docks - a shipment of gonk droids had arrived and he getting in early to let them know about URETHRA and standing together for their rights. It was then that the Hutt's new hit squad made their move. They didn't just deactivate SA-80; they dis-assembled him and scattered his parts far and wide, as a warning to any droid who might get ideas above his station.
AR-15 went into hiding. He did the only things he could think to - he ran to the hinterlands, got a paint job and had some minor cosmetic work done.
Where once there was a 5 foot tall matte-black IG assassin droid, there was now a fluorescent yellow 5 foot assassin droid, with a couple of his antennae sticking out the wrong places. He also has, etched into his chest in fat block capitals the acronym URETHRA.
To his mind, he has truly disappeared.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Empiricist Adrift

The gigantic fortress, the Grandcruiser Empiricist, is cast adrift in the nameless system deep in the uncharted depths of the Koronus Expanse. The manipulative betrayer, the vile and toxic Xeno Iazesira, left only destruction in her wake as she fled her erstwhile "companions". As the phalanx of techpriests attend the engines, and cast their auguries to the Machine Spirit, it is evident that her poisons have spread further than just the engines. With time, they are infiltrating other systems.
The first system to show symptoms is the Gellar fields, winking momentarily, before shutting down completely.

The two Torturer-class cruisers that the Empiricist fought mere minutes earlier, have been regrouping. While the ships are no longer functional, and in the absence of a dry-dock, probably never will be again, their crews survive and have been readying small craft for an exodus.

The Empiricist's turrets power down. No entreaties to the Machine Spirit yield any response. It remains stoic.

Other systems are only sporadically being powered. There is a scramble among the crew as every able-bodied staffer seeks breathers and voidsuits.

The Xenos' ships spew disorganised waves of fighters and shuttles, all bound for the Empiricist.

All across the vast Imperial ship, an ominous silence descends.